I usually clam up and become speechless when I am around new people. I am generally a happy, perky, silly person when I am with people I know, but for some reason when I am in a completely new environment, I shut down.
I don't know what it is. A fear of judgment? Maybe there's judgment on my part? Like I somehow assume they will never like me?
It really bothers me that I do that. How can someone be crazy and loud one moment, and then be someone who is painfully shy the next? Which one am I?
I try to be more outgoing. I try to make friends everywhere I go, and I do, but it always starts off so awkward. I'm starting to think I wasn't socialized enough as a child. How does someone fail at small talk? Apparently that is something I can't do.
The thing is I can talk to older people just fine. I actually enjoy talking to old people, and listening to their stories. They just have so many things to say, and they really are wise. It's people my own age that I have a problem with.
Don't even get me started on when I have a crush on someone. I just stare at them dumbly. I have things I want to say and bring up, but I just can't speak the words. I just stare, and they probably assume there is something wrong with my eyes. It's so embarrassing. I think that's when I start to avoid them because I can't act natural.
I'm hopeless. I know that I am. I need to make some effort to change the things that I want to change.
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