Happiness and Hang

Lately, I've been going through a lot of emotions, and a lot of it was and is negative. 

I find it hard these days to be optimistic or even excited about things. I feel like I've been a totally Negative Nelly, and it's hard for me to even get up in the morning.

This isn't me. I'm usually happy-go-lucky, and am always laughing. I've always been a little insecure about myself, but lately it has taken over my whole life.

I feel like I'm not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough, funny enough, or even worthy enough to hang out with my friends.

What is driving me crazy is that fact that I don't know why I feel this way. How did this happen?I don't know where my sunny disposition has gone. Will it come back? If yes, I would please like it back now.

In the last few months, I have lost whatever confidence I had, and have became extremely confused. I feel like I don't know where my life is going, and what is going to happen. I imagine the worst, and I fear it. What am I going to do with myself?

I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm a planner. I like to know what is going to happen. I like making lists before I go to the grocery store, so I know exactly what to get. I plan my days, so I know what I need to do, and where I am going. I barely ever do anything without thinking about. I like to know how things will pan out, and when i don't, it drives me crazy. 

Not knowing what is going to happen to me, is making me extremely uncomfortable. I don't know what to do with myself, and that makes me feel unsure of myself. Then that stresses me out, and I become extremely frustrate. That may have to do with how I am feeling these days.

I used to think I was a mellow, and a laid back person, but now I can see that I am not. I have a need to follow the rules, come early to events, and have some sort of routine in my life. It hurts me to walk off the line, or to break any rules. I need law and order to be sane.

Maybe the problem is that I need to let loose, and learn to enjoy life one day at a time. I need to trust that my life will be ok, no matter what decision I choose. I need to believe that I am worthy of love, and that I am good enough to do things. I need to learn how to deal with my uncertainties. I need to be ok if things don't turn out they way I expect it to.

I want to be different, but it's so hard to break my habits. It's hard to try to make your happiness instead of waiting for it to come. I know I need to put matters into my own hands. I need to make my happiness a priority. I need to not be such a control freak.

Who becomes upset when they do not know where their life is going? Why would this even be a big deal? Who am I? 

I realize that I sound like a whiny cry baby, but I am not complaining about life at all. I know I am blessed, and sometimes I may forget to be grateful, but I do enjoy my life. I just feel like I'm at an unhappy stage right now. I'm basically in limbo because I don't know what's going to happen to me.

I just don't know how I'm going to do it, but I do know that I want to be happy again...